Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
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Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
The glory of fall.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car