Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination