If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
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*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
adding to the discourse
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?