I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Cake!!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5