🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
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Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said