Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.