I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
CP: U have to
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
CP: Then sign it
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”