@WoodyLuvsCoffee

*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*

ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.

ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.

DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?

ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*