Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of WoodyLuvsCoffee's best tweets

@WoodyLuvsCoffee : PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: GOD: I gave you my son.

MAN: You mean your only son?

GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: *STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*

•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive

*JOB INTERVIEW*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: *Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name "Chancellor Parsons" which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.