Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.