Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.