The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.