*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”