it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
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Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Who did it better?