No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.