[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
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Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
oh my gosh!!
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.