I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.
…No, YOU shut up.
Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
Me: I roll to attack.
Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.
Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.
Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.
Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.
I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”
I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.
I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.