Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.