[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
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Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Your honor these allegations are
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away