A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
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*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.