I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
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So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
that colleague who touches your screen
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…