My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
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Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”