[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Me: Cleaning up is a superpower. Don’t you want to be a superhero?
5-year-old: I’ll just be a bad guy.
Me: How was your first day of school?
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.