Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Me: Why do you love me?
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.