“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
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2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,