Noah was an idiot.
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[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.