the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
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I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
#Caturday
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn