“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
You Might Also Like
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
accurate
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”