My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.