Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.