Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]