Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart