“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review