I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
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Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.