Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
You Might Also Like
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.