Me: One last drink and then I’m off to the petting zoo

Her: Aren’t you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo?

Me: I have kids?


Me: Damn girl your new selfie is awesome but isn’t it a bit late to zombiefy yourself?

Her: What’s zombiefy?

Me: …Your hair looks great!


Hey girl, heard you really like pandas

*Seductively eats bamboo*


Psychoanalysis is just regular analysis performed by one of my exes


I’ve learned there are two types of people in this world:

People I trust to help me bury bodies…

…and bodies


My girlfriend is:

– super sweet
– light as a feather
– pink
– melts in my mouth when I eat her
– always at a circus
– possibly cotton candy


Her: I can’t believe you slept with her!


Her: I just went to the store to buy bread!

Me: Longest six minutes ever


Sure he’s handsome, funny, smart, charming and successful, but can he fit 54 M&M’s in his mouth at once?

I didn’ fink fo