“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
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Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
watergate? u mean a dam??
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.