Me: One last drink and then I’m off to the petting zoo
Her: Aren’t you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo?
Me: I have kids?
Me: Damn girl your new selfie is awesome but isn’t it a bit late to zombiefy yourself?
Her: What’s zombiefy?
Me: …Your hair looks great!
Hey girl, heard you really like pandas
*Seductively eats bamboo*
Psychoanalysis is just regular analysis performed by one of my exes
I’ve learned there are two types of people in this world:
People I trust to help me bury bodies…
My girlfriend is:
– super sweet
– light as a feather
– melts in my mouth when I eat her
– always at a circus
– possibly cotton candy
Her: I can’t believe you slept with her!
Me: WE WERE ON A BREAK!
Her: I just went to the store to buy bread!
Me: Longest six minutes ever
Sure he’s handsome, funny, smart, charming and successful, but can he fit 54 M&M’s in his mouth at once?
I didn’ fink fo