[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
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6: are snakes just neck?
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
not for long
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.