I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal