I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
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I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON