Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
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freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.