Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.