People that steal babies have obviously never owned a baby before.
I accidentally just laughed at something my 4-year-old did so now I have to pretend to laugh as she does it forty thousand more times.
You’d think a dude named Captain Crunch would have amazing abs.
Me “I love you.”
My 3yo “Thanks.”
And just like that, 4 years of High School memories came flooding back.
It’s pretty impressive that Beethoven could play the piano considering he was a St. Bernard.
Judge “Why are you divorcing her?”
Me “She changed the station during Bohemian Rhapsody.”
J “You get half her stuff.”
*air guitar solo*
Sorry you stood next to me at the urinal in sandals, bro.
What did we learn?
The gas station air pump costs a dollar because air doesn’t grow on trees.