Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
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I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I’m not lazy
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house