I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.