doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
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I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.