hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30