sex life update: yelled OH MY GOD YES YES today when i finally got a stuck piece of popcorn out from between my teeth
Hi I’m a mom, you may know me from my greatest hits such as, “STOP TOUCHING EACH OTHER”, “why are there onion rings in the dryer”, “please don’t bring dead squirrels into the house”, and “yes you have to wear underwear”.
children are the gift that keeps on making you drink
they say you should never stop dating after you get married but apparently that meant dating your spouse?
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
i’m bored i think I’ll ask my husband if he’d stay single if i died suddenly and which one of my friends he thinks is hot