Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts