A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
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Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
#gardening
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”