They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
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you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…