Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
You Might Also Like
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
March 16
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE