guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
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“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
LOL!
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
[on my way back to the posting caves]
opening twitter today
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?