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Page of _elvishpresley_'s best tweets

@_elvishpresley_ : peter parker: i'm broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings...

peter: yes! that's it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i'lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

@_elvishpresley_: [first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

@_elvishpresley_: Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids...

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

@_elvishpresley_: [first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

@_elvishpresley_: waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

@_elvishpresley_: [inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we're crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

@_elvishpresley_: [first day as a cop]

me: suspect is running nude through downtown

dispatch: copy that

me: *starts undressing*

@_elvishpresley_: [first day as a cop]

me: suspect is holding a sword and doing a ceremonial dance

dispatch: copy that

me: I don't know. I'm not much of a dancer

@_elvishpresley_: me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

@_elvishpresley_: [at the hotel california]

me: i'd like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you're all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*